When The Holidays Don’t Feel Merry: A Trauma-Informed Guide to Getting Through the Season
For many people, the holiday season brings comfort, connection and celebration. But for others, this time of year can feel heavy, overwhelming or emotionally complicated. If the holidays do not feel “merry and bright” to you, you are far from alone—and nothing is wrong with you.
There are many reasons why this season can be difficult: past trauma, family conflict, grief, sensory overwhelm, chronic stress, financial strain or simply the pressure to be cheerful. This guide offers a trauma-informed, nervous system centered approach to navigate the holidays in a way that honors both your boundaries and your wellbeing.
Why the Holidays Can Activate the Nervous SYstem
A trauma-informed view recognizes that stressful or triggering environments can push the body into survival mode. During the holidays, common stressors include:
Family Dynamics & Old Patterns: Returning to family environments up e can activate the old nervous system responses, even if you have grown, healed, or changed. The body remembers patterns of stress long before the mind labels them.
Sensory Overload: Noise, crowds, lights, travel, and constant stimulation can overwhelm an already taxed nervous system—especially for those with trauma histories, anxiety, or neurodivergence.
Pressure to Perform or “Be Happy”: Social expectations can lead to emotional masking or suppressing true feelings, which increases internal stress.
Grief & Loss: Holidays tend to intensify the absence of people, relationships, or seasons of life that have changed.
Disrupted Routines: Changes in sleep, food, movement, and schedule directly impact emotional regulation and stress tolerance.
When the nervous system senses instability, perceived threat, or emotional discomfort, it can react with anxiety, shutdown, irritability, or overwhelm. Understanding this is not a personal flaw—it is biology!
A Trauma-Informed Approach to Caring for Yourself This Season
Trauma-informed care emphasizes safety, choice, empowerment, and connection. Here is how that can guide your holiday season:
Ask yourself: “What helps my nervous system feel grounded?”, “What environments increase my anxiety or discomfort?”, “ Who feels safe and who feels draining?” This awareness helps you create a plan that reduces reactivity and supports stability.
A few ways to create emotional safety: Identify one “safe person” you can check in with before or after gatherings, give yourself permission to step outside or take breaks when needed, and choose environments that feel predictable and calm whenever possible.
Set trauma-informed boundaries: Boundaries are not about being difficult—they are about protecting your space. Examples of holiday boundaries: “I can only stay for an hour”, “I am not discussing that topic today”, “I am choosing not to travel this year”, “I need time alone to decompress afterward.” A trauma-informed boundary is clear, compassionate and firm. It also prioritizes your emotional safety above others’ expectations.
Build a regulation plan before events: Think of this as preparing your nervous system for increased stimulation or emotional triggers. regulation techniques to use before or after gatherings: Slow diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, sensory grounding (5-4-3-2-1), somatic shaking or stretching, a weighted blanket or warm shower, a calming drink (herbal tea, warm lemon water.). These tools signal to your body: you are safe.
Notice early signs of overwhelm: The nervous system usually gives subtle cues before reaching shutdown or panic. Common signs: Tight chest, difficulty focusing, irritability, feeling “checked out”, short, shallow breathing, feeling trapped or overstimulated. Catching these early helps you step away, take a break, or use a grounding skill before things escalate.
Give yourself permission to opt out: You do not owe anyone participating at the cost of your wellbeing. It is ok to honor your limits: you can skip certain events, you can celebrate differently, you can create your own traditions that feel safe, meaningful, and aligned with your healing. If certain gatherings consistently leave you dysregulated, it may be a sign that saying “no” is an act of self protection—not avoidance.
Connect with what feels nourishing: Connection heals the nervous system, but connection does not only mean being with others. Nourishing alternatives might include: Spending time with a trusted friend instead of family, taking a quiet morning walk, volunteering in a community you care about, starting a personal ritual (journaling, candles, warm bath.). Choose what brings you comfort—not what is expected.
Support the body to support the mind: This includes the physical body because regulation is physiologic. Consider: Consistent meals to stabilize blood sugar, moderate movements to release tension, adequate hydration, prioritize sleep hygiene. These basics might feel small, but they profoundly influence emotional stability, especially during a stressful season.
Normalize mixed emotions: It is ok if your holidays hold both joy and pain. You can feel grateful and overwhelmed. Excited and anxious. Connected and lonely. Healing is not linear, and emotional complexity is human. You do not have to force yourself into a holiday narrative that does not match your internal experience.
If grief is part of your holidays: Grief does not follow a calendar and holidays tend to make absence louder. Grief care may include: creating space for memories, bringing a loved one’s tradition into your celebration, allowing tears without judgement, spending time with people who understand your loss, lowering expectations of yourself. Your grief deserves gentleness, not pressure to “move on”
Reach out for support if you need it: If the holidays bring up traumatic memories, emotional pain, or overwhelming stress, connecting with a therapist can help you build coping skills, understand your triggers, and create a sense of safety in your body.
You do not have to navigate difficult seasons alone. Support is available, and reaching out is a sign of strength—not weakness (check out my blog post on this very thing!)
Final Thoughts
If the holidays do not feel merry, it does not mean you are doing anything wrong. It means your body and mind are responding to a complex season filled with expectations, emotions, and memories. A trauma-informed approach helps you move through the holidays with more compassion, choice and safety.
This year, give yourself permission to experience the season in a way that honors your nervous system, your boundaries and your healing.
How to Work with Me
If the holidays feel overwhelming, triggering or emotionally heavy, you do not have to navigate it alone. I offer compassionate, trauma-informed mental health counseling and integrative wellness support to help you better understand your nervous system, build effective coping skills and feel more grounded during difficult seasons. I work with individuals who are experiencing anxiety, chronic stress, trauma related symptoms, burnout and mind-body concerns. For clients interested in a more integrative approach, I also offer functional wellness testing to support mental and emotional health from a whole person perspective.
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Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice, mental health treatment, or a substitute for individualized care. Reading this content does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you are experiencing severe emotional distress, thoughts of self harm, or a mental health emergency, please seek immediate help by contacting 911 or calling/texting 988 in the United States.
